THE RISE OF THE RAIDER

Last season, Who’s Yo Daddy? caught fire late. Elias embraced the underdog role and then started straight eliminating people. First came the unthinkable: the father took down his own son, Elias Michel III and Team Tr3. Blood, apparently, is not thicker than fantasy football. Then came Nathan and Team N8. And finally, Elias met Dangerous Ed and Eddie Munoz in the championship and finished the job.

The late-season run was accompanied by barking and trolling from the sidelines. Elias and the Munoz brothers, Eddie and Jafet, spent much of the stretch run exchanging shots as the brothers attempted to keep the championship in the Munoz family. They failed. Eddie made it all the way to the championship game, only to watch Elias walk away with the crown. Again. Now the defending champion sits atop his Raider throne with two trophies, a gold chain, and one dangerous question hanging over the league:

Who’s Yo Daddy?

Fantasy Squad would very much like the answer to be somebody else. Anybody else!!

THE FIRST CASUALTY OF THE OFFSEASON

Sadly, not everyone survived last season. Nathan’s Team N8 finished fourth after losing the third-place matchup to Edward Celedon and Ramzilla. Then Nathan disappeared. No farewell press conference. Gone from the chat. Some say Edward beat the fantasy football right out of him. League officials declined to investigate.

RAMZILLA RAN OUT OF BREAKFAST

Edward Celedon’s Ramzilla came charging out of the gate. Then something happened. Nobody knows exactly what a ram eats for breakfast, but whatever it is, Ramzilla apparently ran out. Still, he recovered enough to finish third, sending Team N8 into the history books.

DOES JAVIER NEED A SCARIER MASK?

Javi Ortiz and his Scary Team enter this season with something they didn’t have last year: Experience. The rookie label is officially gone. Now comes the harder part—proving last season taught him something. Either way, now he knows the system, and nobody should assume the masked 49er is harmless anymore. Leave that to the new guy.

THE “NEW” GUY IN THE DOORWAY

Nathan’s departure created an opening. Enter Luis Antonio. That’s basically everything we know. No official team name has been filed with the commissioner. No established Fantasy Squad history. Not even a nickname. Luis simply appeared from the darkness wearing Patriots gear. Which has led to a troubling theory circulating among several Fantasy Squad managers. Is Luis Antonio actually Ray Ramos’ alter ego? What we know so far is that Ray is a Patriots fan. Luis is also a Patriots fan. They also happen to be friends. Coincidence? Maybe. Or perhaps Ray has secretly found a way to operate two franchises, doubling his chances of reaching the playoffs. The Commissioner’s Office has neither confirmed nor denied whether fingerprints will be required before draft night.

WHAT’S INSIDE THAT CHEESEHEAD?

Then there’s Emmanuel Pacheco and THE PACK ADDICT. Nobody really knows what’s going on inside that cheesehead. There have even been whispers that The Pack Addict is actually a rogue AI chatbot. Artificial intelligence managing a fantasy football team? Unthinkable! This anonymous reporter certainly knows nothing about using ChatGPT for fantasy football purposes. Whatever THE PACK ADDICT was doing, however, it worked well enough to eliminate Joan Chavez and Team JCnano99 from the playoffs.

RAIDER NATION ON THE MOVE

Joan’s season met a particularly cruel fantasy-football ending when his top receivers combined for a grand total of four points. Four. Sometimes your stars just disappear. And sometimes you stare at your phone wondering why you voluntarily participate in this hobby. Such is the life of a Fantasy Squad manager. But championship DNA runs through Team JCnano99, and nobody should expect Joan to go quietly. Team Tr3, managed by Elias Michel III, a.k.a. Tikis, is the last manager still required to do homework before setting up his weekly lineup. If Woodson doesn’t get to it first. Getting eliminated from the fantasy playoffs by your own father on his way to another championship? That stays with you. Whether he’s defending the family throne or preparing to overthrow his father remains to be seen.

THE MUNOZ BROTHERS HAVE UNFINISHED BUSINESS

Few people have more reason to want Elias removed from the throne than Eddie and Jafet. Jafet’s The End Is Near and Eddie’s Dangerous Ed were right in the middle of last season’s late trash-talking war. There was a lot of yapping and barking. The trolling became more personal. Some nerves were hit. Facts. But the championship stayed within reach. For a moment, it appeared the Munoz family might take control of Fantasy Squad. Then Elias ruined everything. Eddie reached the championship only to become the final victim of Who’s Yo Daddy?’s playoff run. The End may indeed be near. They’re just hoping it’s Elias’s reign they’re talking about.

AND THEN THERE WERE TWO…

At the very bottom of last season’s food chain sat two creatures.A bear.And a duck.José Celedon’s The Mauling stumbled through the season.

Beside him was Yovani and Ranchwoods Gmoney$, whose performance earned the duck the ultimate Fantasy Squad punishment: The pink shirt.In nature, this partnership makes absolutely no sense.A duck standing next to a hungry Chicago bear is generally called lunch.But fantasy football creates strange alliances.Sources say the Bear and the Pink Duck have put aside their differences and begun organizing what some are calling a Fantasy Civil War. Their message to the league is simple:

UNITE.

Because this season, it isn’t about the Bears and the Packers. It isn’t about the Patriots, Rams, Texans, or 49ers. It’s bigger than all of that. This is about preventing Fantasy Squad from being swallowed by the dark gravitational pull of the black hole that is Raider Nation.

THE CONSPIRACY

Nobody will admit that an organized conspiracy exists. Of course they won’t. That’s how conspiracies work. But reports describe a secret meeting involving a cheesehead, eye-patched scoundrels, masked men, wild animals, Patriots, a cowboy, a knight, and one suspiciously pink duck furiously generating propaganda. Oh, and the “new guy.” Whoever that is. The target: Elias Michel and Who’s Yo Daddy?  The current champion. So, Fantasy Squad…Operation Dethrone Who’s Yo Daddy? is officially underway. Twelve managers. One championship. And an entire league determined to make sure the trophy changes hands.  Fantasy Squad, are you ready for some football?

— Anonymous League Insider 🦆

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